Constructive Criticism

[ac_01]

here's the first seven pages of my screenplay. Although this isn't the whole thing I just wanted a few ideas on what you guys think. (The whole thing is about 90pages long). So whats the verdict?

FADE IN:
EXT. COUNTRYSIDE-NIGHT

A little town deep in nowhere is home to a mortuary. It stands alone, the trees dancing in the moonlight, casting long finger-like shadows across a serene lake. Caressing the waves as they beat rhythmically against the bank.

FADE TO BLACK

FADE IN:
INT. MORTUARY/FUNERAL HOME-NIGHT

A SERIES OF ANGLES

Along the vast, endless corridors solitary footsteps echo against the walls. Leon, 39, tall and broad with no distinguishable features, walks along to the end of the corridor. Opens the door. Reaches to the right inside the room and switches on the light. The neon lights flicker into existence, filling the room with an unnatural white light.

POV-CORPSE ON TABLE FACING TOWARDS THE LIGHT

LEON walks over to the corpse and respectfully shuts its eyes.

FADE TO BLACK
FADE TO:

Leon walks over to a table filled with surgical utensils, his reflection visible in the window. Leon is a middle-aged man who seems to have aged well beyond his years. He stares blankly at his reflection.

Leon moves closer to the window, his face right up against the glass. His hands cupped around his face to see better. He sees nothing but the leaves dancing along the ground.

He turned towards the table again to get back to work, putting on his gloves.

There?s a TAPPING at the window.

He ignores it.

TAPPING gets LOUDER.

He turns again to the window to close the shutters. This time, for a moment, the reflection comes alive with A DEAD MAN?S face as a reflection in the window. He immediately closes the shutters.

CUT TO:
INT. HALLWAY-NIGHT

INSERT-CLIPBOARD ON THE WALL:

RELEASE FOR BURIAL
Subject ? male
Age ? 39
Dead On Arrival (DOA)
Diagnosis ? prostate cancer
Next of Kin ? N/A

WIDER ANGLE

ALICE, a pony-tailed little girl no more than ten years old stands to the right of the doorway reading the clipboard on the wall.

INT. WORKROOM-NIGHT

Alice peers slowly round the corner into the room. Leon works quietly on the corpse.

She walks into the room trying not to alert Leon. Intrigued, she walks towards a covered corpse on a table. The table sits approximately at her eye line. As she reaches for the cover to glance underneath a hand grabs her wrist.

Leon
Alice, what have I told you about coming in here?

She says nothing.

Leon smiles, takes off his gloves and carries her out over his shoulder. As they leave Alice looks back at the corpse on the table.

OVER THE SHOULDER SHOT

The arm drops off the table. Alice gasps.

CUT TO:
INT. LIVING ROOM-NIGHT

Leon sits in what seems to be the only chair in the room. He sits facing the TV. Alice sits facing him just to the side. Alice stares at him with awe and slight curiosity.

Alice
Uncle Leon, why do you do what you do?

Leon
(Smiling)
Someone has to make sure? they?re ready for the next life. Isn?t it time for bed.

Alice
Soon. Does everyone go to heaven? Is mummy in heaven?

Leon
Yes, mummy is in heaven. And she smiles down upon you every day.

Alice stares contently down at the wooden floor for a moment. Leon pauses to see if she has anymore questions and then returns to the TV.

Alice starts faking a cough. Leon ignores her. She coughs more and more now, louder each time. Leon turns towards her.

Leon
What is it this time?

Alice
(Clearing her throat)
I think I?m sick. COUGH, COUGH. I think it might be my prostate.

Leon
Ok, that?s it time for bed.

Leon gets up from the armchair and carries her off to bed.

CUT TO:
INT. BEDROOM-NIGHT

Alice lies on her bed with a rag doll in one hand. She brings her hands together to say a prayer.

Alice
No exorcise harm thee,
Nor no witchcraft charm thee,
Nothing ill come near thee,
Ghost unlaid forbear thee,
Quiet consummations have: and renowned be thy grave.
Amen!

She rings it out as if it were a tune.

Leon
Who taught you that prayer?

Alice
Mummy. She said if I say it every night nothing would harm me.

Leon
You miss your mother very much, don?t you?

Alice says nothing and just fiddles with her rag doll.

Leon smiles, kisses her on the forehead and gets up to close the window.

Leon
Don?t worry you?re safe now. No one will ever harm you here.

Alice
Uncle Leon, at night I hear things under my bed ? like rats scratching at the floor.

Leon
It?s probably the rats then.

Alice sits up immediately, clutching her rag doll even tighter.

Leon
Don?t worry, I?m only joking. There are no rats. Come here.

Leon takes her hand and they stand facing the bed.

Leon
I?ll show you that there?s nothing under your bed. You ready.

Alice clutches her rag doll tighter. At the same time they both kneel down and look under the bed.

Leon
See, no monsters. But, look a penny. Now you?ll have luck all day long.

He smiles. She smiles. Then he puts her into bed and tucks her in, placing the newly found penny under her pillow.

Leon
Do you want the light on tonight?

Alice
No, I?ll be fine.

Leon
Ok, but I?ll leave the corridor light on just in case. Good night, sweet dreams.

He switches off the light and closes the door leaving a gap where the light from the hallway streams in across the bed.

FADE TO BLACK

FADE IN:
INT. ALICE?S BEDROOM-LATER THAT NIGHT

Alice lies awake on her bed, still, clutching her rag doll. Her eyes fixed on the slit of light across her bed.

The light FLICKERS with a clear HUMMING noise.

Alice looks up towards the light in the doorway. It flickers some more, and then goes out.

Alice lies still on the bed trying to hide her fear. She sits up, slowly turns towards the door and places her feet on the wooden floor. Her warm feet leaves perspiration marks on the cold floor. She stands and walks slowly out into the hallway.

INT. HALLWAY-NIGHT

Alice walks slowly to the end of he corridor where the light switch is. After a few steps she stops. Listens.

It SOUNDS like a draft coming from her room. Soon she can make out what it says:

?I SHOULD NOT HAVE DIED?.

It repeats.

She steps forward. The floorboard creeks. She turns towards her bedroom in reminition of the rats.

Alice
(Under her breath)
No exorcise harm thee,
Nor no witchcraft charm thee?

The light FLICKERS on. She turns towards the solitary light bulb, which illuminates the entire corridor.

Alice
Nothing ill come near thee,
Ghost unlaid forbear thee,
Quiet consummations have: and renowned be thy grave.

She stops chanting and listens for the voices.

Nothing.

She turns around full circle, looking for something, anything. She calls out for Leon. But for some reason she?s afraid to scream.

Alice
(Whisper)
Leon! Leon!

There?s no answer. She approaches the window at the staircase.

ANGLE ON ALICE

The curtain veil blows across her face.

She stops and stares behind the veil.

CLOSE SHOT:
She drops her rag doll.

She doesn?t scream, she can?t scream. She turns to face the stairs. She starts to cry in fear. She exhales a cloud of cool condensation as she breathes heavily but quietly. She tiptoes over the edge. A single tear runs down her cheek. She closes her eyes and tumbles down the stairs. Her body comes to a complete stop at the bottom.

CLOSE SHOT:
Her body lays at the bottom of the stairs, stiff with black bruises by her throat, and her hands contorted and claw-like.

FADE TO BLACK


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There can be only one.

[redlum]

I like it. Of course I dont know where the whole story is going but the only obvious thing which I noticed was the line :?I SHOULD NOT HAVE DIED?. It made cringe slightly, as it echoed various other horror/chiller lines in my head.But It was the only thing which distracted me from what looks to be quite an original Screenplay.

redlum

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[wolfwood]

At first I thought it was another Phantasm sequel. But, I liked it. I really did. I think Leon's dialouge could be a little more loving towards his niece. Then again, that might not be where you were going with the character. All in all, very good.

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"I never said it would be easy, I only said it would be worth it"

[Red House Painter]

When the dead mans face appears at the window, how does leon react to this. Just closing the shutter doesn't really tell us what the mood is. Does he jump? Does he jump then close his eyes and hold his hand against his head as though these visions happen all the time or is there really a dead man there? Is the dead man pale or decomposing to show us he is dead,.

I just re-read it and can see how maybe the reflection is of the corpse on the table but is still not clear because the tapping at the window is a set up for someone to be on the other side ready to say BOO

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If you can't stand the heat, get out of the frying pan!

[ac_01]

Good to get some objectivity. Also good to see the film in my head is actually getting down to paper. Here's a bit more.

DENIAL

FADE IN:
INT. ROOM-DAY

EVE, 25, wakes abruptly. She sits up breathing deeply and clutching her chest. She immediately looks around to familiarise herself. She struggles to catch her breath.

She stands out of bed and opens the curtains. Sunlight struggles to fill the room, its early. The room seems large but with no personal items. Like she?s just moved in and yet to unpack. She rubs her eyes while walking over to the bathroom. She knocks over a lamp on the table. She doesn?t stop to pick it up but rubs her knee as she walks.

CUT TO:
INT. BATHROOM-DAY

She stares into the mirror. Shakes her head, reaches back and turns on the shower. Still looking at the mirror in disbelief.

CLOSE SHOT:
A slight colour defect in the iris of her eye.

She turns on the tap and splashes her face with cold water. By now steam has filled the bathroom covering the mirror. She looks into the mirror once again. There is now writing on it.

Shocked she steps back, but at closer inspection it simply reads NEED RENT MONEY. She smiles, then start humming a TUNE (ALICE?S TUNE).

DISSOLVE TO:
INT. APARTMENT ?A?/NEXTDOOR-DAY

PETE, 26, is holding a glass up to the wall with his ear pressed up against it.

JOHNNY sits on the couch in the middle of the living room reading the paper. Both clean-shaven and of the same age. The living room is large considering there is no divide into the kitchen.

At first nothing is said.

Pete
You know, there?s something odd going on next door.

Johnny
(Looking at Pete)
There?s also something odd going on in here.

Pete
Shush! I think?

Johnny
Now that?s never a good thing.

Pete
Don?t mock me. Someone could be dying next door.

Johnny
Yeah, the only thing they could be dying of is sleep. It?s eight-thirty in the morning.

Pete
Fine.

Pete puts the glass down and walks over into the kitchen, pours some cornflakes into a bowl and starts eating.

Pete
Why are you up anyway?

Johnny
(Laughing)
To steal the neighbour?s paper of course. Why, you think I bought this?

Pete
How long have you been taking the neighbour?s paper?

Johnny
Hard to say, who knows? Well, I remember there were still leaves on the tree, so?

Pete
Well it ends now.

Pete grabs the paper from Johnny?s hand, ripping a part of it in the process. Johnny is left with a page, which he quickly stashes into his pocket.

Johnny
So why you up?

Pete
Oh, I?ve got a meeting with my boss. He insists on giving me these assignments on? like last week, the man in Kent who married his mother.

Johnny
Who pays for that wedding? So how they meet?

Pete
(Irritated)
Hey, do you mind taking my life seriously for a change?

Johnny
If you wanted a serious conversation, then well? I don?t care about your life.

Pete
Typical.

Johnny
Why don?t you just quit and go work in maccy dees like the rest of the mentally challenged.

Pete
Funny, very funny. I don?t want to end up with some dead end job. Week in, week out catering for some bunch of arrogant, my shit smells better than your shit, upper-middle class yobs. Oops, sorry is that what you do?

Johnny
There?s a big difference between maccy dees and my very important line of work. And so what if some of us are a bit elitist?

Pete
See, that?s what I don?t like.

Johnny
What?

Pete
You use words like elitist. Every chance you get to show you have a degree from the university of know-it-all, you take. If you ask me you?re just a glorified baby sitter.

Johnny
Say what?

Pete
You heard me.

Johnny sits back in the couch, opens up the scrunch up piece of paper from his pocket and continues reading. Pete continues eating his cornflakes.

Johnny
So where we want to go for the summer.

Pete
Anywhere that won?t cost me an arm and a leg.

Johnny
You?re ok selling a kidney though right?

Pete
(Pokes himself to check)
Why not. Get twice as drunk for half the price.

Johnny
(Reading from the paper)
Hey, what about this. Free holiday for help renovating stately home. Full board and room; Rachel, 01325357695.

Pete
(Walking over, still eating cornflakes)
I don?t know, manual labour? Considering you haven?t done an honest days work in your life?

Johnny
Come on. Rachel?

Pete
Who?s Rachel?

Johnny
Don?t know, but she sounds hot.

Pete
Sure, why not. What?s the worse that could happen?

Johnny
Oh my god!

Pete
What is it?

Johnny
It?s Christopher Walken?s birthday today.

Pete
And this is significant because??

Johnny
(Christopher Walken accent)
It?s Christopher Walken.

Pete draws a blank.

Johnny
(Christopher Walken accent)
Christopher Walken. The king of cool.

Pete
(Shaking his head)
No, nothing.

Johnny
(Christopher Walken accent and gesturing with a spoon)
You know your daddy; he wanted you to have this watch. You know how much he went through to save you this watch. He was in a P.O.W. camp in nam for eight years. He walked around with a watch up his ass for six of those years, until he passed this watch unto me to keep for you. And I walked around for two years with this watch up my ass until I was released. The day I was released was the happiest day of my life, I reached up and put my hand up my ass, took out the watch and now I?m here to bestow the watch on you. Do you want the watch?

Pete spits out the cornflakes he was already chewing and puts the bowl down.

Pete
Well, I?d like to stay and? chat but I?ve really got to get going. Don?t you have somewhere to be?

Johnny
Yeah, I?m giving a presentation in about an hour.

Pete
On what?

Johnny
Just stuff. I?ll make it up as I go along. The usual.

Pete
(Putting on his coat and case)
Anyway see you at lunch?

Johnny
Wait, what?s my horoscope?

Pete
Uh, Gemini. Realise some of your most private of dreams, but do so with discretion.

Johnny
What does that mean?

Pete
Who am I, mystic Meg?

Pete shakes his head and smiles as he leaves.

CUT TO:
INT. HALLWAY-DAY

Pete drops the scrunched up newspaper at the neighbour?s door. He stops, looks at it. He kneels down and desperately tries to flatten it. Eve open?s the door and confronts Pete.

Eve
(Irritated)
What the hell do you think you?re doing? Are you the one that?s been stealing our paper?

Her American accent now apparent, she grabs the paper of Pete while he gets to his feet.

Pete
Well, yes, no, you see?it?s a funny story?

Eve
Yeah, I bet it is moron.

Pete
Excuse me?

Eve flings what?s left of the newspaper into her apartment and slams the door shut.

Eve
You?re lucky I don?t call the landlord right now.

Pete
Ok, listen sister. I don?t know who you are but this is just one big misunderstanding?

Eve
(Snapping)
I don?t want to hear it.

Pete
You have a real personality problem.

Eve leaves for the front door and slams it on her way out leaving Pete dumfounded.

CUT TO:
EXT. APARTMENT BUILDING-DAY

ANGLE ON EVE LEAVING APARTMENT BUILDING

Eve leaves the building looking worried. She looks up at the sky. It looks like rain. She thumbs through her handbag looking for her umbrella. She can?t find it. She doesn?t bother to go back into the house.

CUT TO:
INT. HALLWAY/PETE?S APARTMENT-DAY

Pete pokes his head into the room with Johnny still reading the paper.

Pete
Make a note; natives are hostile.

Johnny
Ten, four kemosabi.

CUT TO:
EXT. OFFICE BUILDING-DAY

Eve arrives outside her office building. She notices a flyer on the wall.

INSERT-FLYER

Need extra cash? Having problems sleeping? Volunteers needed, for psychological tests. Brain patterns studied.

She grabs the flyer off the wall and enters the building.

CUT TO:
INT. OFFICE BUILDING/RECEPTION-DAY

Eve walks across the reception to the elevator still reading the flyer.

Mary, 31, sits idle behind the reception desk. A basket of muffins lies on the desk.

Eve
Morning Mary.

Mary
Morning. The boss wants to see you again.

Eve
What have I done now?

Mary
He seemed concerned ? no angry. Yes, he was very angry that you decided not to take the Rolling?s case.

Eve
Sorry for having a conscience. Are you going to have that muffin?
(Picks up a muffin)
I?ll see you later anyway.

CUT TO:
INT.OFFICE BUILDING-DAY

Eve exits the elevator on the seventh floor. She starts to make her way to her desk but is intercepted by FLORA.

Flora
Where have you been? Mr. Taylorson?s about to explode.

Eve
Sorry, I? I overslept.

Flora
What happened I woke you up before I left this morning?

Eve
I must have dosed back off, is he pissed?

Flora
Well I?ll put it this way; his forehead?s glowing.

Eve
Time to bite the bullet.

Flora
Good luck!

Eve walks up to Mr. Taylorson?s office door. The plaque reads joint partner. She knocks.

Mr. Taylorson
(O.S.)
Come in.

She goes for the handle but doesn?t turn it. Instead she heads off back down the corridor.

CUT TO:
INT. OFFICE-DAY

Eve enters her office and grabs an empty box from the floor. Sits calmly in the chair. She takes out the top drawer and empties it into the box. She fingers through the pile to find a broach.

She sits and just stares at it.

FADE TO:
INT. LECTURE THEATRE-DAY

Johnny steps into a large lecture theatre, which is rapidly filling with students. Johnny waits in front of the large screen for the room to calm down. Then he begins.

Johnny
Morning. I applaud those of you who found time to get out of bed to attend this lecture. I am covering for Dr. Strangelove?

A few sniggers come from the audience. Johnny smiles.

Johnny
And before we start, yes, I am indeed this handsome. No special effects, no makeup, just good genes. Anyway, I am here to talk to you about? stuff. For some this will end up being your passion. The rest of you, I assume need a passing grade in something and decided astral physics was a bit out of your depths, will find this course mildly uninteresting. I did. Ok lets get started.

CUT TO:
EXT./INT. TUBE STATION-DAY

Pete waits patiently for the next train. He looks up at the prompter. Four minutes. He goes over to the newsagent stand on the platform. He puts two twenty pence pieces on the table and grabs a paper. Unawares, Pete turns and nearly bumps into a large MAN.

Pete
(Apologetically)
Excuse me.

The man says nothing and just continues to walk to the end of the platform.

A SERIES OF ANGLES

Any other day on the way to work. Everyone in the world waiting for the same train. Everyone trying not to make eye contact. All immersed in their little melodramas.

ANGLE ON PETE

After glancing at the paper for a moment Pete places it under his arm. He takes time to observe the faces around him.

A SERIES OF ANGLES

A mother consolidating her baby in a pram, a woman putting on her make up, and the man reading his newspaper as he clutches his briefcase.

The screech of the train pulling in breaks his train of thought. Pete looks at the train then at the prompter. It?s his.

The train?s doors beep open with strain.

Pete squeezes his way onto the train at the back of a carriage and the doors slam shut nearly taking off his leg. The train makes its way into the tunnel.

PETE?S POV

Pete stares meaninglessly into the void between carriages. He breathes deeply trying to get some air. Suddenly the train comes to a complete stop. Everyone jolts forward. There is a scream coming from the other carriage. Everyone is anxious.

WIDER ANGLE

The lights go out and on come on the emergency lights. They flicker from disuse.

Pete gets up off the floor and looks into the next carriage. He sees a woman clutching her stomach with one hand and the other holding onto the emergency lever. She groans and then drops to the floor dead.

Screams fill both carriages.

Pete turns from the door to the next carriage. STAN comes barging through the door. Pete is knocked down.

STAN ploughs through the people on the train with him muttering something to himself under his breath. Pete loses him in the crowd then gives chase. He gets to the end of the carriage. Everyone is gathered round the door, which has been forced open. The carriage is poorly lit with complete darkness outside. The man is nowhere to be seen.

Pete
Where did he go?

Bystander
He just stepped out into the darkness and disappeared.

Pete gazes blankly into the void only to HEAR the faint cries of the people in the other carriages and the DRIVER on the inter-com. Eventually the cries fade out and all there is, is silence.

FADE TO BLACK

FADE IN:
INT.EVE?S BEDROOM-DAY

The curtains are closed tight shut, letting no light into the room.

Eve suddenly awakes. She looks round in the darkness. To her right she sees the silhouette of the LITTLE GIRL. The shape is blacker than the dark of the room.

She struggles to reach the light by the bed with her left hand.

The little girl moves closer.

Eve still struggles to find the switch while keeping her eyes on the girl.

The little girl outstretches her hand.

Ultimately she finds the switch and turns on the light.

The girl is gone.

POV-EVE

Eve searches around the room for the girl. Nothing. She turns towards the closet door, which slowly closes.

Eve gets out of bed and storms out of the apartment.


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There can be only one.

[ac_01]

Here's the pitch...

Its a modern ghost story about possession, but not the kind you have on the exorcist. Hard to explain... there's two stories running through the script. One is of Alice and the other is a murder. Its not until the end of the film tha everything is explained. I haven't written the ending yet but i know what has to happen.

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There can be only one.

[Generic Skinhead]

Leon, 39, tall and broad with no distinguishable features,...

Might wanna tinker with that if you wanna get an actor!

I liked it too. I was thinking Poltergeist or something, but depending where you take it it could be much better than a mindless horror film. The "I should not have died" line is a little cringe-worthy.

Good work! Show us the rest!

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I can't believe I sold my image rights for a pint of Guinness!

[ThomasB]

First thing I thought after reading the first part you posted was 'I want to read more'. Nice character 'drawing'.

I don't often read scripts that are written in such a visual style... I really like that.

Some details remind me of great films (i'm not talking about the 'Pulp Fiction' dialogue here, but about 'Chinatown' and 'Sixth Sense'). But there's nothing bad about that.

I'd love to get a chance to read the whole script. You seem to know your characters and the story sounds very interesting! Way to go!

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ThomasB http://www.biennavista.com

[This message has been edited by ThomasB (edited January 30, 2002).]

[hairbrain]

Really difficult to write anything constructive on something so obviously far down the road. Firstly... it's good. I read all of it... and that's quite incredible coming from me. Some of the moments show you have a strong visual eye and some others let you down a bit. I particularly liked the feet on the cold floor observation... but the ol` writing in the mirror trick didn't do much for me.

As an outside observer reading your script I'd say your only real downfall is the slightly colorless characters you're writing. I appreciate you've set up differences between them and tried to make them individuals but I'm still left feeling that they're the average joe... when perhaps I should be getting more involved than that.
Perhaps the problem is that your two male characters, who I'm presuming are gonna play a main role, are introduced kinda sitting down doing nothing. They talk about stealing the paper... in fact they talk about a lot... but essentially they're not doing much. Johnny's a renegade thief and Peter's a nosy neighbour. Is that correct? Anyway because they're not doing much we probably find them dull a bit and therefore we're not overly keen to identify with them... we don't like to identify with people who are slobs just like us... we'd far rather the hero was slightly interesting in some way. By introducing the hero in an active way, I'm not talking car chases here... just don't have him sitting around doing alot of talking. As long as he's an active (not passive) character in the story the audience will pick it up and run with it.

My god I sound like some film critic... ahhhh anyway that's the slurry of thoughts which spilled out of my brain whilst I was reflecting upon your script.

Good luck.. and I hope it keeps on improving into a fab feature.

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[ac_01]

thanx guys!!!

I did feel when writing it that the characters were a bit ordinary, but I sort of wanted to go that way. You see to often in horror films how the main character has some sort of gift.

Anyway after this point in the script we start with the subplot... There's a murder in the apartment building. Eve sort of knows about it before it happens. Its not until about page65 that we return to the house.

I've written about 80 pages so far and it is still without an ending. I'll write the ending as soon as i get some free time. If you want to read what i've written so far drop me an email ([email protected]) and I'll send it to you...

Thanx again.

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There can be only one.